Clones
by Artemis J. Halk
Summary: After Foaly tells Artemis about the existence of Artemis Fowl fanfiction, Artemis comes up with a devious plot.


This hasn't been beta'd, so if you spot any glaring errors, or just something that you noticed, I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me know, so I can fix it!

Criticism is more than welcomed, but I don't want to hear anything about Holly/Artemis. Save it for someone who cares, okay?

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><p>"Juliet?"<p>

"Yes, Arty?"

"Don't call me Arty. Drinks are in order."

"Oh? What for?"

"If you come up with drinks, then I will tell you, Juliet."

"Oh. ...Of course, Arty!"

"Don't call me Arty! ...Juliet?" She was already gone. Artemis Fowl sunk down into his office chair and looked over to Butler.

"I must say, Artemis," the giant man-servant started. "I wasn't entirely sure that this crazy plan of yours would ever work."

"How many times do I have to tell you, old friend? You have little reason to doubt me after all these years." Butler chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

"Very true, Artemis." Juliet knocked twice on the door to Artemis' office before she pushed it open, walking in with a tray of fruity drinks, complete with little umbrellas.

"Well?" She asked, handing Artemis, then her brother each a drink. "Don't keep me in suspense!"

"As I am sure you are aware, Juliet, my dear friend, Eoin Colfer, has written a series of young adult fantasy novels loosely based off my life."

"Sure." Juliet said, shrugging her shoulders. She walked over to the book case and pulled off the first golden book, and ran her fingers down the spine. The book was just one of many gifts from Mr. Colfer after the success of the books. "What about it? Oooh! Is he going to write my story next? Filled with dashing men heart-st-"

"No." Juliet's face fell and she replaced the book. "Although, on a related note, our centaur friend, Foaly, has been keeping a close watch on the human internet for Artemis Fowl related sites. Just in case some idiotic young person who read Mr. Colfer's novels and gets it into his head that fairies really do exist and that he wants to be the next me."

"Has that happened yet?"

"Thankfully, no." Butler answered. "Most people who have read the novels think that they are fiction and have further given insight that fairies and the like are not real."

"Okay. Where is this going?"

"Last month, Foaly brought to my attention something that he thought might be of great intrest to me. Maybe you have heard of it, Juliet, being more up on such hip things? It's called 'fanfiction'."

"No, I usually waste all of my free time watching wrestling videos."

"Of course you do." Butler said with a deep sigh.

"What is... what was it called again?"

"Fanfiction, Juliet." It is where an inspiring young author takes the original story, say for example, William Shakespeare's Hamlet, and expands upon the plot. They add after the fact stories, or maybe have the entire story set in a different time, location, or have characters be completely different from how they were originally."

"Shakespeare must be rolling over in his grave. But... what does this have to do with you, Arty?"

"For the last time, Juliet. Do not call me Arty."

"Wow, someone missed their afternoon nap!" Juliet laughed, pulling a face at the younger man.

"Like you were just wondering, this actually has plenty to do with me. There are many thousands, if not millions, of Artemis Fowl-themed fanfiction out there, brought to my attention by Foaly."

"Oh? Is writing Artemis Fowl fanfiction dangerous to the People or something?"

"Hardly." Artemis chuckled. "Foaly thought that it might amuse me to see people's thoughts of me, if they were suddenly yanked into the 'world' of Artemis Fowl."

"What? You don't mean..." Juliet started, realization starting to dawn on her.

"There are apparently many young women who would enjoy nothing more than to... fornicate with me."

"And that's not everything, Juliet. Tell her about Holly." Butler said.

"Yes. Holly. Or... should I say...?" Artemis laughed, startling both Butlers. "Holly and I?"

"EWWW!" Juliet squealed in horror. "Why, dear Lord, why?"

"Apparently, Mr. Colfer left it open for romance in the books." Butler said with a grin.

"What the hell?" Juliet sighed, draining her drink. "I'm glad I put a good dose of liquor in these. But, seriously. Holly is old enough to your grandmother! What are those people thinking?"

"I don't know. I don't think that even the most skilled of psychologists could ever begin to understand the need of those adolescent women to romanticize everything, whether it makes sense or not. But, back on the topic, it did give me a brilliant idea."

"What?" Juliet breathed, leaning in closer to the genius.

"To clone myself, send the clones out into the world and satisfy the vapid hopes and dreams of Artemis Fowl fans all over the world." Artemis said with a note of triumph in his voice.

"And you...?" Juliet whispered, breathless with anticipation. Artemis clapped his hands twice. The door to the study opened and a second Artemis Fowl walked into the room.

"Juliet, meet 242." Artemis said, gesturing to the second Artemis. Juliet's jaw hung slack in her shock.

"Where are you sending him?" Juliet asked after a moment.

"San Francisco, USA." Butler informed his sister promptly. "Where a young woman of fourteen who wrote a _lovely_ story about an exceptionally bothersome young woman who becomes betrothed to Artemis."

"Are you serious? What kind of benefit are you getting out of this?"

"Solid proof that most women are completely deranged, on top of my own amusement, as well as the complete amusement of the People." Artemis said. "Foaly is already talking about turning the stories of my clones into a television show."

"But..." Juliet started after a moment. "How will you know what happens to your clones after you send them off?"

"That, Juliet, is where my genus comes into play." Artemis walked over to where the second Artemis stood- it was impossible to tell them apart. Artemis pulled the clone's shirt off and simply opened up his chest- it was filled with an array of blinking electronic devices.

"It's a robot and he automatically sends a message to you whenever something happens to him!" Juliet exclaimed, clapping her hands with glee.

"Spot on, Juliet." Artemis said, closing the clone's chest and walking over to one of his computers. "Right now, in New Jersey, there is a clone currently tied to a bed, dressed in a French Maid uniform. And, in Michigan, there is a clone reading bad poetry to his 'owner'."

"This is great, Arty!" I'm going to go get more drinks, but when I come back, you're going to read me more accounts!" Juliet ran out of the room before Artemis had a chance to complain about his pet-name.

"Shall I do a traditional Irish jig, sirs?" Clone-Artemis asked.

"No, that shall be all for now. I suppose we should pack him up for his journey, then." Artemis said, turning to Butler, who lead Clone-Artemis from the room.


End file.
